A Rock and A Hard Place (Interview No. 1 with Terri)

- "Tell me your story. That's why you're here, isn't it?"

• Crackheads.
  
  

-"Crackheads?"

• I always thought you had to be some kind of idiot, extremely weak or having a very bad day to try crack.
  
  

I mean thats what I thought until I realized that sometimes you just get bored. Never did I really understand how much boredom hurts until my 20's. I was never the marijuana type, it made me super paranoid; first time I got high... the second time anyway I ended up bleaching everything (including the last joint). No. The whole smoking thing made it worse- I'd be freaking out about what I was doing to my lungs. Now, pills I can do. Pills I did do. Not the uppers though, that sh*t is just annoying. People on uppers remind me of every #$%^sucker I ever met in highschool- entirely too excited to be where ever the f*@# they they were for no f*@#ing reason. First time I ever took Xanax I couldn't get a bad feeling.

-"Why'd you take it?"

• The day before I had to pick up my friend Crista from her friend's place. I'd only known Crista for about five months, we worked together a ###-Mart; she was stuck at some sh*tty apartments on the north side and it was pretty late. She was outside drinking with some guys when I got there, Crista loved drinking. Now that I think about it, she loved almost everything. Except driving, she couldn't do it, it scared her too much. I pulled up dreading the coming situation. I knew she would want me to chill for a while and I'm not really comfortable around guys until I know what they are expecting. They weren't particularly ugly but still I really don't know in those situations. I got out of the car, tired from the day's work and completely aware of the eyes on me. I'm bigger than most girls but I have more shape than most too, top that off with a baby face and moderatley severe intelligence and well... I'm an anomaly. Most people think that us girls above a double zero will fall all over any guy that'll have them. I'm almost the exact opposite- I just don't trust people. So any way she introduced everyone, Juan, Greg, James, Mike and some guy that called himself Kraze. We managed some small talk and I didn't get the feeling that Crista was ready to leave. Whatever, I was off the next couple of days. Crista was the type that liked for guys to like her, almost needed it. Of course she became overtly "flirty" as the drinking went on, making it that much more awkward for me. I didn't know if she had plans to get with one of these guys but I wasn't interested. Kraze kept making little comments about wanting to move to a quieter spot to talk. I politely refused and I thought that was that. Crista kept saying it was okay if I wanted to, that she didn't mind. Yeah, she had plans for one of these guys, b*tch, she should have just hooked up with whoever and never called me over there. Kraze was offended and embarrased to be turned down in fron of his boys so he flopped the race card on me "Oh what, mulatto's don't like mexicans?" I shrugged it off and everyone just let it go and continued the conversation but Kraze couldn't get over himself. See he was kind of pretty with an okay body- any woman's dream I guess. A few hours went by and everybody was about as drunk as they could get without falling down so I suggested we call it a night. Kraze asked me what it was about him that I didn't like, I told him he just wasn't my type. He grabbed my wrist, stuck his hand in my back pocket and suggested that men weren't my type. That was it for me, I pulled the knife I'd seen him playing with earlier from his belt loop and in the flick of my wrist had him up against my car, blade fixed on his windpipe. I told him "For the last time, it's not me, it's you- you are not my type! I do not find you attractive, don't touch me and don't ever try me again." His boys were all laughing and Crista was quick to console him, was it him that she had wanted to get at? All of a sudden nobody was laughing, they were all looking at some dude standing in one of the open doorways. I couldn't make out his face but what a body! He was at least six-two and built with what had to be two hundred and fifty pounds of muscle. He walked over and one of the guys explained what was going on, he laughed and told Kraze he knew his attitude would get him cut one day. I closed the knife and put it in my pocket as he introduced himself. His name was Jonas but everybody called him Atlas because of his look. I had to pee so I ask if I could use his bathroom and he showed me the way, walking through his place I caught glimpses of his life. The Virgin of Guadeloupe was sprinkled here and there, there were weights and a treadmill. Everything was very neat, automatically I thought- girlfriend. Damn. In the restroom he put the seat down and left me to it. Even the bathroom was spotless, his girl must clean hardcore. When I was washing my hands I had a thought- the medicine cabinet. I had to peek; shaving cream, after shave, floss, aspirin but no tampons or pads or PMS relievers, make-up, nothing. The towel cabinet was about the same- no sign of a woman. I dried my hands and lifted the seat, afterall he'd done it for me. When I opened the door he was sitting on his bed folding clothes and I was a little taken aback. "Wow, a man folding clothes, neatly!" He said real men fold clothes and that he could use some help. Why not, it would give me a chance to see what he was about. I sat on the floor against the wall across from him so I could get a good look at him. Georgeous. Strong masculine features, good skin, nice tapered hair cut and cleanly shaved. Grrrrrr. Beautiful brown eyes. Oh, I felt so out of my league. Handsome, rockin' body, neat and I thought...gay, but I could hope. He didn't have a girlfriend, he'd dumped her a couple of months ago- Not gay! He worked in construction, didn't have kids and was training to be in the next years world's strongest man competition.

-"You thought he was too good for you?"

• No but people tend to be that way you know? They figure that they look better and so they are better. People seem to forget that not everyone sees things the same. I once dated a fat guy, tall and wide. He was funny.

-"So you're saying that you don't judge people?"

• I wish I could say that. The truth is I was trying on the fat guy like you try on all the guys you date but don't intend to marry. I'd always thought that I could love anyone, I mean anyone at all despite them only having one eye or half a big toe or anything. That's the worst lie I ever told myself.

-"So you didn't love the fat man?"

• No. But not because he was fat. Because he was selfish and cheap and an alcoholic and desperate.

-"He wouldn't pay your way and had a drink every once in a while, that sounds bad on your part."

• Oh no, he wanted to give me money and pay my way through school and take me shopping. All those things that desperate people will trade for company and the illusion of love and companionship. That's what really disgusted me. He laughed about being able to find the best steaks at a bargain and drank bottle after bottle of "moderately priced" beer.

-"He wanted to be a sugar daddy of sorts to you then?"

• To me, maybe to anybody that would have him. I didn't like him. He was older than me, I was 21 and he was 30. I got the feeling that he thought he knew what was best for me but not in the way that a parent knows best but like a manager or something. Like he was always trying to cut a deal with me. That always made me feel like he was seedy, like he was preying on me.

-"So it had nothing to do with him being fat?"

• It was the total package that was unattractive to me, a big scarred, greedy and deceitful man coming toward you naked pushes you to run harder and faster than any energy drink ever could. The whole situation was mind boggling.

-"Yet, you were there by choice.

• Maybe. I don't really know.

-"Our time's up for today, I'll see you again Wednesday at 12:30."